Dark Community

{ April 29, 2011 @ 1:50 pm } · { Teh Awesomness! }
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Everything started with a lunch meeting with a great friend. Then the storms hit. We had to hid in the parking garages at work for a couple hours. We lost power and will have no power for 5 days they are saying. Everything looks grim.
You would think so but thesis not so. I have some incredible neighbors. We have stuck together through this. We are sharing food, space, and even Internet connections on our phones.
Last night we grilled, in then dark. Ok we had flash lights and lanterns. But it was awesome because we are helping each other. It’s almost like we are camping in our own homes. It’s fun!
In scripture somewhere it calls us to live in such a way where we help our fellow man/woman. We live to serve the community. My friends in my apartment complex do that. They are awesome.
Well, I gotta go walk the dog.
Peace.

{ December 28, 2010 @ 8:03 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Its amazing to me how music can change a mood. not just a mood but a face as well. If the music is right it can create the most beautiful and scary moment all in the same breath. I wish I had the ability to right like that. I listen to my favorite bands and I am at a loss for words because they are so amazing and talented that I want to lay down my instruments and never play again. I have said that before to people.

I want to be able to share with someone the music that I hear in my head. There is a running musical staff in my head that plays out my life. Some days its music by other people. actually the last few years it has been the music of other people. Almost to the point that I have forgotten how my music even goes anymore. not the songs that I have written but the music that my life plays.

I want to find that again. I want to find the rhythm that my life gloved to. I seem to have lost it or left it behind someone where down the road. If you asked what it sounded like I would not be able to recite a note of it because it has been so long since  have heard it that I’m not sure how it goes anymore. in my head as i write this i hear “believers” saying that it is the Father that is lacking and that is why I don’t have this musical saga to move with. I’m not sure they are correct because He has been with me through the thick and the thin the last few years and he has been the only one that has kept me sane. The only one who kept the barrel out of my temple. The only on that has kept me right. What I am talking about is the reason why I do what I do everyday.

 

….I may have found it. buried under 7 years of dust and grime I belive I have found the music. The music that has been there all along but I was to stubborn to hear it. To impatient to wait for the crescendo. To blind and full of pride to understand that it was right in front of me the whole time I was just looking in the wrong place.

The voice that I have combined with a specific instrument will make the best music I have ever heard. I am so scared. This is the best thing that has happened n a long time and I don’t want to loose it…..again. this is too good.

I hope the father will help me hold on this time. Be better this time. Be the man I was supposed to be before.

Travel

{ September 5, 2010 @ 12:25 pm } · { Change, Crapola!, Frusteration }
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Seeing my family was great, short, but great. I was able to spend a lot of time with my dad which I don’t get to do often. My nieces are adorable! I will miss them dearly. The youngest and I would have these garbly baby conversations and my other one would play guitar and sing with me.
The biggest crappola about all this is I have to leave. I need to but I don’t want to. There is a little boy back home that I need to see. I haven’t seen him in a couple weeks. I miss his face! Well I’m gonna stop cause I’m getting al emo about it.

Peace, I have none…

{ August 26, 2010 @ 2:58 pm } · { Contemplation, Crapola!, Frusteration, Question }
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Peace, I have none. There are only a couple times a week that I have peace. The truth of it all is it’s my responsibility to look to Him for that peace knowing full well I will have no peace until a decision is made. There is a reason that i always go to the same song when I play guitar. Because He is telling me that I need to wait to rest in him. The problem? I don’t want to. I don’t want to study or talk to Him because I know what he will say because he has said it already. Which means I am to be miserable and alone until the ball is back in my court. Most people have said that I am miserable by my own choices, which is true, I just don’t want to believe them. I want to have someone to point a finger at. I want to make her make a decision so I don’t have to be miserable any more. Which makes me just as selfish as her. Making me no different than her. I hate this and I wanna die.

Sleepin a lot more lately

{ June 10, 2010 @ 3:39 pm } · { Contemplation, Frusteration, Question }
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I’m sleeping a lot more lately. I think it’s because I am alone so much. I try to hang with people but it just doesent work out. I have had people tell me to just get over it but I don’t know how. It’s Ike my reason is gone. People say my son is my reason, well , he is when I have him. When I don’t I have no reason. Someone told me she didn’t think that she should be the reason for my happieness. Why? When i am there serving and taking care of and loving…i feel like inhave a purpose. But she still is way to busy for me.
I just want to be important, to be loved, to be cared for, and important enough to be thought of. Is that so hard?

I wish someone would.

{ May 28, 2010 @ 6:04 am } · { Contemplation, Frusteration, Question }
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O don’t think I am a ba guy. I mean, the things that I want out of life aren’t bad. I just want to share them with someone. Is that wrong? I feel like it is. Most people I talk to about my problems/issues I keep finding that what I want Nd how I feel is wrong. I find myself posting things on Facebook and Twitter just to get responses so I can feel important. So I can feel like people love and care about me. I go to my local bar and sit just hoping someone will talk to me so I can feel important. I feel important at my job. I’m awesome at it! I get recognized by my peers. I love it. But that’s the only place. I mean I am loved when I am in “church” or at he bulding where we meet bit in between tykes times I feel completely out of it. Indont feel a part of the group and people tell me that I need to get involved or serve and that will help. Isn’t that’s sapless to be a progressive cycle? If you are depressed all the time serving is the last hing from your mind because you can’t think of anything other than the issue at hand. It’s not until much later, at least I think anyway, before you are ready for that. It’s sheer I am anyway. I don’t want to serve I want to feel better and I don’t believe my heart matters to anyone but my blood family. The past atatent may not be completely true but that’s what it feels like.

I just want to be important enought for someone to want to call me, txt me, want to hang with me, or anything for that matter!

Sunshine

{ March 31, 2010 @ 3:20 pm } · { Change }
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I love the sunshine. The bright yellow glow of the sun shine. I miss living in the sunshine state where it’s basically sunny all the time. Except at 3pm for about 30 minutes everyday when it rains. I love the rain and what itndoes to the earth but I love the sunshine even more. I think John Denver accually said that the sunshine on his sholder made him high….yea…..I can relate. I’m a cranky person in the winter and I’m a happy guy in the spring summer and fall.
Now, all this is great but I have no one to share it with. Maybe someday I will be able to share me with someone.

…a single clarity of thought.

{ March 23, 2010 @ 10:30 am } · { Contemplation, Frusteration, Nervous }
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My head is spinning. Thoughts are running rampant and i cant tie them down. THey move one way just barely out of grasp and then change direction causing me to fall down.

Animosity: Im not an angry person but i have been as of late. I dont’ understand what its like to have or want control. Most of my life i have had no control over most of things. I either gave it away to make peace or I just left it alone because all it did for me was cause problems. Even now, I take things in my own hands and people don’t like. When will it be ok to just do something that I want to do and have it be ok? I am learning that the things that I do will make people angry but why do certain people not like it when I do anything? I mean…I can’t even have my own friends without someone freaking out and asking me 50 questions about who they are, what they do, and so on. Its frightfully upsetting! I just want to do what I want and have people leave me alone about it.

Apathy: There are a good many things that I am very apathetic about. Church is one of those subjects. If i have to choose between getting up early and hanging out with a bunch of people who only care about me when I am there or getting up naturally with my son and making pancakes with him…..I choose the later. there is nothing better than my son saying “daddy, i wanna cook.” Which translates to daddy you cook and ill flip the sausage.
Its weird that I am apathetic about church too because I have been going to church since I have been a little kid. i was pretty much born on Saturday and in church on sunday. I have been going all of my life and even in leadership positions there as well. Now? I only go to my small group because they are the only family that I have. I mean I have blood relatives about 30 minutes away and my son is 45 minutes away but these folks are close and live in the same town i live in.

Care: (the opposite of apathy) With all the apathetic parts of my life i do still care. I care about my son in ways i can’t even describe. The bond we have is more adhesive than suer glue. Plus, i have friends that actually care about me. People that are interested in my life. People that I don’t have to constantly keep in contact with because they care enough to call me.

Fear: The most crippling feeling that infiltrate my mind. Things that are unknown, that people wont approve of, and anything else really. The fear of failure or even worse…the fear of being alone. THe fear of being alone I struggle with the most.

Nervousness: I havent been nervous in a while….A long wile.

Those are the main points that I see in my head. I hope they will all flush out soon or at least play nice with each other so I can have a single clarity of thought.

I wish I could…

{ February 28, 2010 @ 3:25 am } · { Uncategorized }
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My son, who’s 2, and I were singing in the car today. We were singing “You are, You are my Hope. You are, you are my song. You are my salvation”. is so cure to hear him sing in his 2 year old crackly out of tune voice.

I realized something though. I dont have hope. I mean I want to have it But i don’t. I want to hope that God will come down and fix the messed up parts of my life. I want to hope that God hasn’t left me alone to fend off all this crap by myself. Part of me wants to believe that what I am feeling is part of the process and I just have to trust God even thought I have no hope whatsoever. I wish i could have hope…….but I don’t.

Really, right now I feel alone and I hate it. I know that God is with me but thats not enough for some reason. I wish it was. i wish i had the strength to stand and say that I am doing ok with all this alone time. I like to think that I don’t ned anyone….. but I do. I just want everything to be the way it was.

Why am I cranky?

{ February 26, 2010 @ 11:30 am } · { Contemplation, Frusteration, Question, Scripture }
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I am so cranky today, oh my word! I have no idea why. I woke up today hating my life because once again I have t face the fact that I am alone. Then that turns into  being mad at everything in my life which turns into me laying around being apathetic about everything. Like church for instance. I’m sure apathetic about church. I don’t understand why the church is there. I mean if you look in scripture at the first church it is nothing like what we as americans portray church to be. THe first church is more like what my son and I do on sunday afternoons at 1pm. We go to our life group, our churches take on small groups, and we  have a mean while our leader shares from his heart what he believes God wanted him to share. Its at that meeting that i find more peace and tranquillity  then in the building where my church meets. I don’t understand why we pay people who do ministry full time when the apostles did it and relied on God for everything. Most of them had jobs that paid for their ministries. I don’t understand. I have to give it to my dad. HE is starting a new church in a familiar place and is going to find a job in the community so he can get involved. which brings me to another question about church.

Why is it that in a church we try to create community when most of us are already involved in one? We have kids that are on sports teams. We all work at a job with people that we see and love and talk to everyday. Why does the church try to create community when the community is already out there? Why don’t we infiltrate the community that we are already in? Most of us live in a neighborhood of some kind. why don’t we try to get involved there?

I know that no reads my blog but I flippin wish I had some fricken answers!

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